Shivers run down my spine as I sit here. Time has never been so patient… so testing. It weighs.. it hangs. And in the silence, I question my mental state because of the dreams and horrors.
For the past few weeks, and since finals have ended… I wake up to nightmares. Strange dreams that leave me fearing to close my eyes, or tossing and turning with thoughts that make me wish for daylight. Always, I wake alone. And always, I wish someone was with me. Maybe a roommate, in another room; or the ever comforting touch of someone who loves me and cares for me.
But the boyfriend is out of the country. There is no one here but my teddy bear.
In the waking hours, I lounge on the couch, watching movies and letting my mind wander. Is this what I’m supposed to be doing during break? Relaxing? Taking time to think? Running? Maybe.
A girl I spoke to today said she was leaving in a few days to work at a legal aid clinic for a week before class starts.
I haven’t even started a cover letter for my summer job.
Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t given up… not completely. After the hell that was the first semester, I know what’s coming in a week or two. What I can’t seem to muster is the motivation to give a damn about what happens 6 months from now. The audacity of it still makes me incredulous: plan my life for 6 months from now? Yet I’ve done much more before. I used to plan my life one year at a time. Do you know why I stopped doing that?
Nothing ever worked out. Plans always fell apart.
And now here we are; my school and the legal field telling me I need to plan the next 6 months, and while I’m at it, plan the next 3 years. Yet the school I go to can’t even publish a booklist on time, can’t even announce exactly when disbursements will be in our accounts.
Time… it weighs.. it hangs. And yet when it passes, it is as if the walls around me simply inhale.. and it is gone.
The other thing that weighs on my mind.. is the insecurity. The ever-pressing question of people in this field is, “why should we hire you?” My smart-ass remark would LIKE to be, “Because I’m fucking working my ass off for free and won’t be bothering you except when you call me to do something. Weren’t you a 1L once too?” But we all know that doesn’t work….
This year has brought out the worst in me… a murky pool of secrets and pain that I let no one but myself swim in. My latest discovery?
I think I am clinically depressed. Thank God I have a writing outlet because telling anyone else that, who is outside of law school, would just get me a bunch of laughs and stares. “You, depressed? You’re always laughing! You’re always cheering everyone else up!” Yeah well, inside and outside are two different things sometimes.
Want to know what the really hilarious part of this is? My best friend of almost 10 years told me I was depressed, before I came to the realization myself. He knows me too well.
I meet the clinical symptoms. I’ve been sleeping like crazy, not eating then eating too much, the nightmares, the disinterest in even doing anything at all.. sounds like depression to me.
The cure? More than likely, running. Running wears me the hell out, but it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I accomplish something.
And goddammit I need to get out more lol I know putting all my money to bills and school is the responsible thing to do, but just once I don’t want to have to be responsible. Just once I want to splurge.
Maybe going skiing at a resort in February will be just what I need.