It sometimes tends to do that, you know. And when it does…there’s this burning sensation in your chest. This anxiety that builds for almost no reason and every reason in the world.
I’m thankful that I’m not experiencing an attack right now. And for all I know this could just be heartburn. lol
But for some reason… My nerves are thrumming. And my heart is burning.
I’ve been talking a lot to the kid I’ve known since middle school. There must have been a timer installed into me when I started law school, that started ticking down as I began 2L year. Suddenly I’m thinking and concerned more than ever about dating, and marriage. I swing back and forth on a daily basis as to whether or not I want to get married or have kids. I see babies and toddlers and I feel the urge to love them and have them snuggle with me.
Side note: I realize that that is not a good reason to have kids. Having children because you want them to love you back spells recipe for disaster; because when that child rebels, you will feel incomplete as a person. So. I realize I need a pet first. Or a plant.
But I digress…
I’ve been talking to him a lot. Txting him. Calling him. Talking about having a relationship with him. It does concern me that he has a past. What probably concerns me more…is how he talks and few of his views. And every time I’ve found myself wanting to correct him on certain things… I keep my mouth shut. Especially with attitudes. Let me explain.
I had coffee with one of my bar association mentors on Friday. He is hispanic. One of the things he said to me that stood out is that he grows his hair long. Not because he likes it. But because it makes him look more white.
Yes. You read that right. My hispanic smartass well connected mentor encourages us mentees to dress “conservative.” In some or most cases… That means “white.”
I know that it probably offends some people.
I think on some level, it offends me.
But the truth is… Less than 4% of the entire US population of lawyers…are Latino. I don’t know what the numbers are for African American but since identify primarily with being hispanic – I know the hispanic/Latino numbers.
I also came into law school knowing that as a bi-racial woman…
You know that song, “this is a man’s world!”
“This is a white old man’s world!”
That’s what I came into school knowing. And I have struggled with it since day 1. I may not have talked about it that much, but i honestly do. And sometimes, I don’t even feel like I fit in with the Hispanics or the African Americans either. It bothers me…but not enough to keep me up at night.
Back to my friend. He has the tendency to come off… Ignorant. He has the stereotypical attitudes of someone who is ignorant: thinks all cops are out to harass black men in low income neighborhoods, thinks that swearing every other word is socially appropriate, etc.
My responses have typically been, “You think that about police officers because you’ve never seen them in any other capacity” and “watch your language.”
But do I think that the reason officers would never stop me or harass me unless I was doing a crime stems from the fact that I am light skin, wear nerd glasses and typically dress professional or conservative? Yes. Because they see me carrying books and jamming out to country music? Probably.
I don’t know if I’m ashamed to admit that or not. I really don’t. I think some people would say, “that’s racist! What happened to equality?!”
That’s a really good question. What happened to judging someone on their skills in the courtroom rather than how well they’re dressed, if their hair is frizzy or nappy, if they swear a little more than others. What happened to skill rather than skin?
I have no idea. What I DO know is that I have a genuine concern about dating someone who, beyond being arrested twice, swears every other word, twists his hair, has a not-so-kept beard, and sounds ghetto as hell. I think I feel this way because I have come to learn that appearances matter A LOT in this field. It’s why we wear suits to a courtroom – we have respect and professionalism in the face of Justice. And if I’m shelling out $200k for my education plus God knows what else for the bar exam, I want to exude respect and professionalism when people meet me as well as my spouse.
He doesn’t have to be a lawyer, though I will say that I have an entirely different thought process about the kind of partner I want in life. He has to be on my level or at least around it; if I’m a female who came from a single parent home and has hustled to get through high school, college and then law school, figuring things out on my own – I expect my partner to have done the same or more, Or at least be pursuing his dreams and goals ambitiously with some kind of progress. No husband of mine will ever sit on his ass and use me as a platform; fuck you I’ve worked way too hard to get where I am.
I guess my bottom line is (I need to get to it, this post is all over the place and if you’ve stuck with me this far, God bless you lol):
I seem to be really concerned about whether I want to be married or have kids in the future. And I seem to be seriously considering those around me who haven’t completely pissed me off, as candidates. And I’m kind of concerned with appearances because I feel like they affect my credibility and career.
I’m hoping that I will grow out of it. But I think this is just part of growing as a person and acknowledging certain things about myself, truthfully.
At 24, I do hope to grow more and hopefully not hurt people along the way.
Just a really long thought.