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When nerves settle in…

When nerves settle in before a final… I try not to let it elevate to an anxiety attack. It’s actually really hard though because I feel the nerves and muscles start to hurt in my hands and legs, and I feel nauseous. But its the early stages. The only problem is, I don’t know how to calm it down. I haven’t figured that out yet, how to stop it before it gets too bad. 

Anyways. 1 hour left until my final. Heading to school.

Bringing the Focus Back

So lately, I have been whining. And bitching. A lot. Lol

This blog has gone from adventures and discoveries in law school to bitching about a boyfriend who pisses me off. Enough! 

Back to law school. Lol

So I have my Evidence final tonight. I’m not sure why, I’m not totally freaking out. I really have no idea why. I just want to get it over with lol

Aside from that, I have no idea what I’ll be doing for the Fall except classes and trying to do moot court and writing competitions. I have this overwhelming need to go buy all the tabs I can find, and pens too. Lol

Good luck to everyone taking the Bar exam today. I’m gonna be honest, just thinking about that exam makes me wanna shit myself. God be with you all. LOL

Ok. Now I really have to focus. Must retain something about hearsay. Wish me luck guys!

xox

And this is why I’m letting him go.

I will make this brief. 

You have heard me say this before, I won’t reiterate: I am letting the bf go for several reasons, a good deal of them being for his, what I would call, “temper tantrums.”

I am studying for my last final exam. I have sound-blocking earbuds in, music playing, taking notes. Phone was charging across the room on my bed; I can’t hear anything outside of music, even with ringer on medium/high. 

He apparently called twice, and text me three times. I didn’t hear it. A few songs end, I get up to stretch and check my phone. Walk over, see the missed calls and txts. Rather than txt right away, I call. Twice. 

His phone is off.

I send a txt: “Sorry, was charging phone across the room and have earbuds in while taking notes.”

Note: my first mistake was to even add Sorry to that sentence. 

His response: “You better ace that exam.”

Me: “..?” Because me playing stupid is better than saying “I don’t have to answer the fucking phone every time you call when you know I’m preparing for finals and I just spoke to your ass this morning. You got me fucked up.” would have been inappropriate when he has promised to pay my august rent. And to be honest, he probably knows it. this is what its come to.

Him: “Get an A.”

Me: “I”m working on it.” Because me being vague is better than me adding on, “I’m working on replacing you, too.” 

I might remind you all that I am a rising 2L, soon to be official 2L in late august when I start my fall classes. This is my third round of finals, because I’m taking summer classes.

I might also remind you all that he is a law student himself, currently waiting on his grades to come in, and he has been through an intense session of finals himself.

To be honest, I might remind him of it too. But then again, you know what they say: when a woman stops arguing/fighting, you need to worry because she is over you. 

And maybe that’s why I’ve been on two dates this past week. Insert sarcastic oops.

fed up

World News – What the hell is going on?!

So I’m just going to take a minute and address something… I’ve noticed that a lot of international shit has been happening, and it seems to be… ignored. Not ignored as in no one says it, but its said and there is this feeling that no one really wants to address what’s happening for whatever reason.

The Malaysia flight that just disappeared out of fucking thin air? The second Malaysia Airlines flight that got shot out of the damn sky with bodies falling to the ground and now the countries are poised and furious, attacking the hell out of Putin?! The crisis in Gaza and the middle east?! Like, jesus christ, there was a cease fire for 12 hours so they could bury their dead?? Seriously? 12 hours?? They refused to do an extension so it’s right back to bombings and killings. I’m not even sure how this started, I’ll be completely honest; I have no idea what the origins of it are, but this is heartbreaking. We have over 40k children fleeing central america all of sudden, sitting on our border, and nearly everyone I’ve heard talk about it is saying to send them back to the gang and violence filled war zones they are fleeing from because we have nowhere to put them?!?! And the ebola virus has had a massive outbreak and a passenger got on a plane and brought it to another country??!! I haven’t heard about the ebola virus since I was a child and my mother made it sound like something in some far off land, like some unknown legendary shit. And some river in China turned red the other day, out of nowhere.

what the hell is going on in the world right now?!!? I don’t understand it. I really don’t. And as much as I’m trying to keep up with credible news, I don’t know how any of this started in the first place. And I’m not pointing fingers at Obama. I’m not pointing fingers at anyone except myself because I just have almost no clue of what is really happening. All of this is starting to sound like end of days type stuff and its … scary. Unsettling. I don’t know what I can do about it personally, except… pray. And wish peace to all of those souls who has passed on. And that somehow… the people running this country find a way to contribute a solution that will safely help everyone. God bless the dead and the rest of the world. 

Late Night Studying and Compartmentalizing

The past few weeks have been pretty hectic. I remember sitting outside of school one night, in late May, thinking, “It’s silent. Its eerily quiet. This is the calm before the storm.”

Boy was I right.

I am currently studying for my last final exam, Evidence, which is on tuesday. My internship with the judge and my part time job ends on August 1st, so basically by the end of this coming week – everything will be done.

Then I’ll have 5 days to pack and clean and move. What happens after that? I have absolutely no idea. I’ve missed a good deal of deadlines to apply to firms through on campus recruiting for my school. I feel like, just like last recruiting season, I am behind the ball.

I’ve learned my lesson – I cannot overload myself. It may be impressive to some people, but a lot of people also realize that this insane rat-race to try to prove things to people is just that: insane. Nobody should have to be an overachiever just to get a mediocre job. that’s the gist of it.

So, I’m getting back to studying in a few minutes, but wanted to sort of check in and let you guys know I’m alive lol There are a few other things happening, but I don’t want to write about them just yet. I think they are good changes, but I need to exercise some patience to wait and see.

Something else that has been on my mind slightly is how many social media profiles I have. I have this blog, my anonymous diary; I also have a personal/professional FB, an anon FB, an anon twitter, my nike running app posts my fitness feeds (sometimes), LinkedIn… Each profile, however, is compartmentalized from the other. No one profile shows all of me; there are things I say on my anon fb that I most certainly cannot say on my personal fb. There are things I can’t quite say on here until I’m good and ready. Its very… separated and someone what stressful because I’m constantly logging out of one to post my immediate thoughts on the other. 

I think what that tells me is that… I wear many masks. When I’m with someone, I wear one mask and don’t care what others might think when they see it; but then I go to school or come home, and its a different mask. …Am I ever completely myself with anyone? That’s what’s on my mind. 

There’s been a lot of revaluation going on in my life lately. This is added to the pile. Who am I? Where am I going in law? Where do I want to be in 5 years truly? What about my dating habits? Why can’t I commit to a gym routine and a healthy weight loss? Why do I hide so many different pieces from so many people? Why am I trying so goddamn hard?

… I know how honest I can be with my self. How honest can I be with the rest of the world? Or.. as DC appears to be run on it, in high power political fights and secrets that hide behind doors… shall discretion become a permanent part of my life? 

Maybe it’s just the old saying of “keep your business to yourself” that’s bothering me. 

Who knows.

Ok, so maybe I didn’t fail.

Exhausted but wanted to post that the professor allowed me to submit my final exam answers. Also might possibly be losing one of my best friends, but I actually agree with the reasons why.

Been a long day, don’t really give a shit about much except the fact that I need to wash laundry and desperately needs a shower. 

 

Nervous breakdown. I just failed a class.

I don’t even know what to do right now except cry.
I’ve been working on this final exam for 2 days. I misread the closing time of the school’s portal to submit the exam; I saw 11:59. It was actually 11:55.
I finished at 11:56 and went to submit it and the portal was closed… So I emailed it to the professor at 11:58.
And I emailed the dean to explain the circumstances. But I had a month to do it and never had time because I’ve been so busy. They’re going to take the time allotted into consideration… And I’m going to fail this class

And all I can do it sit here and cry because I worked so hard on it. And I’m gonna fail and my gpa is going to crash.
All I can do is sob.

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