Making a Bet with Myself… will it change my life forever?

It is currently 9:14am as I start this post. My criminal procedure exam is at 6pm, and I still have a great deal of studying to do, so I will make this brief.

It has been ever constant on my mind that I am focusing in an area of law that I don’t actually care about. Intellectual property is fascinating… but I’m really only in it for the money. I studied psychology and criminal law in undergraduate school, and got a B+ (if I remember correctly) in criminal law during 1L.

My grades for IP classes? Fluctuate from a C to an A.

And the questions of why I don’t do criminal law have been ever constant, with only my doubt that I will make enough money to survive, stopping me from switching. So here’s the bet.

I think I did well on my trademark law exam, and I hope I passed my copyright exam. I didn’t do that great on Evidence over the summer but didn’t actually have time to study. And now I’m about to take the crime pro exam.

If my grades for crim pro come out higher than my trademark exam grade…. I’ll switch to criminal law. It will probably change the rest of my life… and its scary for me to even voice the words out loud. And part of me is making the bet with myself because if I make it with anyone else, they will enforce it for sure LOL call me a chicken, I’m scared.

The problem with this of course is that by the time I get all my grades back, spring classes will have already started, and of course – I’m predominantly in IP courses. Not sure what I will do about that except maybe get experience in the enforcement aspect of IP rather than paper pushing behind a desk. I don’t know. But here we go.

The bet is on.

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New Year, New Diet

Originally posted on Say Hello to Gorgeous:

Hello, hello, hello! You should pin this (please?) New Year’s is right around the bend and for many of us, that means weight loss goals. Losing weight is pretty tricky and extreme diets don’t work in the long-term, so the focus should be on gradual weight loss by eating healthy. I wanted to start you off with a list of healthy (and tasty) meals to help you reach your goals this year.

QUINOA
Background image courtesy of Marisa DeMeglio from NYC, USA

First Things First

  • Some of these meals are light, some of them are heavy. Obviously incorporating a light meal into your day is going to work better than 3 heavy meals
  • When we’ve worked all day and don’t feel like preparing a meal, that’s when we fall into the habit of getting fast food. My tip: Prepare large batches of your favorite healthy meal one day and freeze them…

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Subconsciously nervous

So I have about 45 mins left to study for my take home final (I’m trying to get it out of the way instead of waiting any longer), and all of a sudden, I am replaying “love you more” by Celine dion in my head.
It keeps replaying and I’m trying to read about fair use in copyright. And finally k stop and ask out loud, “Why am I hearing Celine right now?? Now is not the time!”

And then it hits me. I’m getting nervous. My brain is getting nervous and playing music because when I consciously know I’m nervous, I play music to calm down. I’m subconsciously nervous (meaning it hasn’t reached the level of pre-anxiety attack yet), and so the reaction is to “play” music.

… I’m weird. Lol

When people give me crap about pushing myself.

It’s finals. This is nothing new. Friends and family alike are aware of how seriously I take this shit. As I told my mother, if it’s not for charity and I’m not getting paid – I’m not going out.
Almost everyone except one friend from college doesn’t understand that. It’s been pissing me off.

Here’s the thing. I’m not looking to drive a Maserati when I get older. Maybe an Audi, just because I think it’s pretty. I want a max of 3 pairs of Louboutins just because I think they’re nice. I’d like a Chanel bag, and a Celine bag. And of course Louis Vuitton.
But more immediately?

I want a nice little house for me. A nice little house for my mum. And I want to do something meaningful with my life so that IF I decide to have children, I don’t have to worry if I’ll be able to feed them or not.
That’s it.

The only way that’s going to happen is if I do well in school.
Therefore. If you are not paying my bills or giving me a job right now, and you are constantly asking me to hang out despite the multiple times I’ve told you I’m in the middle of finals – you can fuck off. I will end a friendship of 5 years so fast you’ll get whiplash. Why? Because you don’t take me seriously and it’s an extension of not taking yourself seriously. You don’t respect my goals, and you don’t respect my hustle.

And guys. Let me tell you. I am ALL about the hustle. Don’t. Fuck. With. My. Hustle.
My education is my way out. If you don’t get that.. Well.

Try me.

Learning the law and my Self

Has there ever come a point in your life where you sit back and really examine your actions? Took a good hard look at yourself and confront what you see?
Someone who I consider a mentor tells me all the time, how self aware I am. But not always as deep as this.
I watch tv shows about lawyers like drop dead diva and ally mcbeal and see these strong yet emotional and brilliant women, lawyers who do the right thing and are whip smart. They made law review and probably did moot court… But somehow or another they always end up having issues with love. Regardless. That’s not what I started writing for.

I’m beginning to realize that the people who I consider successful never show their stress, nor their glory. They simply…are. I wonder who they confide in, as some of them are law students and lawyers. Who do they admit their grief to when they can’t show it to the world? Close friends no doubt.

I look in the mirror and scrutinize myself. I should work out more, I never should have skipped so many classes this semester. I should do this and sacrifice sleep for that.

A good friend of mine in law school has a saying that hit home, tonight of all nights. “If it’s important to you, you’ll make time for it. If it’s not, you’ll make excuses.”

This is coupled with the fact that before my exam today, another friend and I shared a bagel and caught up. I told him I was worried about taking on an internship that was community service based.
“Hey. Why did you go after IP law?”

“Money.”

“Ok. What did you come to law school?”

“To help people.”

“What do you spend your free time doing?”

“Helping people.”

“Who volunteers with the homeless constantly even during times of high stress?”

“I do.”

“See. That’s the problem. You need to get past this mindset that you can’t make money and help people at the same time.”

“Because I can’t.”

“Not true! Yes you can!”
He’s always so positive. Lol
He brings an interesting point though.

I realize that I make time for sleep. For food. For volunteering. And I continuously beat myself up about the things I don’t make time for. I set super high goals and expect excellence from myself because I look at other women my age and see them jumping milestones. “It can be done, therefore I should be able to do it.”

But I am realizing I have a deep commitment problem and a cynicism that I readily apply to others when it comes to sentimentality… I despise myself when I feel needy or lonely, but when I do feel it… I crack. I cry. And I bury myself deeper into my walls so that no one knows.
I wish I knew why I do this. I would be the first one to sign up for therapy to figure myself out.
I’m pretty sure I wrote a long time ago, law school changes you. It brings out things in you that you never realized were there. You age a little faster. You mature a lot more.

So looking in this mirror tonight I see a young woman who doesn’t make time for the gym but wants more than anything to help and change the world. Who scrutinizes her eyebrows because she’s trying to grow them out more and can see the gorgeousness of my eyes and lips. How my hair has grown in the last few weeks, long and black and soft and silky and real lol I see the girl who still sleeps with a teddy bear but isn’t afraid to confront reality. I see the woman disappointed in recent events of the world and recent events in her personal life because they affected her ability to meet certain goals.
I see me… Young but wise and still somehow slightly bright eyed and bushy tailed with dreams and a solemn reminder that if I want to be as successful as Ally Mcbeal or Jane Bingum… I had better start learning the law than trying to pass an exam.

Xox